Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know...
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know...
Double Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know...
Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "

She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, f**k, Etc."

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, "How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back!"

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own fucking blanket."

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you
this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get
just to stay alive."

"Will you spend it on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man
asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20
years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of
food?" the man asked.

"What are you kiddin' and catch a disease for ten lousy bucks?!!" exclaimed
the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for
doing that?" I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like
who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex".

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I

decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.

Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and

threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally

predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I

decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She

rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.

She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.

She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I

decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted

firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced

me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my
mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted me, which made me feel uncomfortable.

One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and commited my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once..

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

Moral of the story?
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"Always keep your condoms in the car." ...

A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it okay for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?"

Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't. There are all kinds of breasts. Depending on a woman's age, in her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50,they are like Onions."

"Onions, Dad?"
"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry."
Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "mom, how many kinds of penises are there?"

The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "well, Daughter, a man goes through 3 phases. In a man's twenties, a Man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, It is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is Like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"

"Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration."

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

Thinking it was just a figment of his imagination he drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

He begins to realize that these signs are real. He then drives past a third sign:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS You are now here

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a plate. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the plate, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $50 out of his wallet, places it in the plate, trots eagerly down the hall, and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He spent a few months with a shrink who finally gave up and told Yossel that since Yossel's desire was so powerful to put his penis in the pickle slicer, the only way to get over it was to do it. Yossel gladly agreed to do it the next day at work.

The next day he came home from work very early, about 11 AM. His wife Sarah was very worried and asked why he was home so early.. Yossel explained to her for the first time the desire he had to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He explained that he couldn't take it any more and today he did it and he got fired as a result.

Sarah gasped and ran over to him, yanked down his pants and briefs, only to see his penis perfectly normal and intact. She looked back up and said "I on't understand. What happened to the pickle slicer."?

"I think she got fired too."

This is an Actual Complaint Letter Received at Optus. I just wish I had the same grasp of the English language...enjoy
(In case you don't know, Optus is the second largest telecom in
Australia, and Telstra is the largest)

Dear Cretins,

I have been an Optus customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional perogative and seek to rectify these difficulties - or, more likely I suspect, so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive.

When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes on my mobile phone listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... er, how exactly when my modem has been disconnected? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%...these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone who
knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought Telstra were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That's why I chose Optus, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. Telstra - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not
become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards Optus, and it's worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
Regards - Adam Olsen - Terrigal
sent in by Baza

Top Ten Reasons Why Harley Riders Don't Wave Back 1. They're afraid it will invalidate their factory warranty. 2. Leather and studs make it too hard to raise their arm. 3. They refuse to wave to anyone whose bike is already paid for. 4. They won't let go of handlebars because they might vibrate off. 5. The rushing wind could blow the scabs off their new tattoos. 6. They're angry over the second mortgage needed to pay for the new Harley. 7. They just discovered the fine print in their owner's manual revealing that The Motor Company is partially owned by rice-burner manufacturers. 8. They can't tell if other riders are actually waving or just reaching up to cover their ears, like everyone else. 9. If they wave back, they risk being impaled on their spiked helmet. 10. They're upset that after spending £15K they still don't own a bike that's as comfortable as a Goldwing

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost their children while living in the White House. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both Presidents were shot in the head. Now it gets really weird. Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln. Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald! , who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939. Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names are composed of fifteen letters. Now hang on to your seat. Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.' Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln' made by 'Ford.' Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse. Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater. Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. And here's the kicker... A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog." The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!" "Look! We're going fishing and that's final." "Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!" "Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!" The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!" "Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!" The wife sits and thinks about it. Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?" The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I 'll give you a blow job!" "Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!" "Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

......if you're fed up with your current name and would like a new name try this: ......use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name: a = poopsie b = lumpy c = buttercup d = gidget e = crusty f = greasy g = fluffy h = cheeseball i = chim-chim j = joliper k = flunky l = booger m = pinky n = zippy o = goober p = doofus q = slimy r = loopy s = snerkel t = tulefel u = dorkey v = squeezie w = waliford x = skipper y = dinky z = zsa-zsa. ......now use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new surname: a = doodah b = tata c = giggle d = burger e = girdle f = baggio g = lizard h = waffle i = cootie j = monkey k = petunia l = liver m = banana n = rhino o = bubble p = chico q = toad r = gizzard s = pizza t = gerbil u = chicken v = pickle w = chuckle x = tofu y = gorilla z = tinker ......and use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new surname: a = head b = mouth c = face d = fuzz e = tush f = breath g = pants h = shorts i = lips j = hiccups k = butt l = brain m = tushie n =chunks o = honey p = biscuits q = toes r = buns s = fanny t= sniffer u = sprinkles v = kisser w = squirt x = humperdinck y = brains z= juice ......for example, George W. Bush's new name is Goober Chickenshorts. Bill Clinton's name is Booger Liverchunks.

Subject: Gripe sheet At Qantas Airlines, after every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. ========================================= (P = The problem logged by the pilot.) (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.) ========================================= P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're there for. P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget

These three women were sitting around one night talking about their boyfriends when they decided they would give their men nicknames based on kinds of soda. The first woman said: "I'm gonna call Tom 'Mountain Dew' because he is as strong as a mountain and always wants to do it!" The second woman said: "I'm gonna call Bruce '7-Up' because he has seven inches and it is always up!" The third woman said: "I'm gonna call my man 'Jack Daniels'. The other two women responded: "'Jack Daniels'? But that's a hard liquor." The third woman replied: "THAT'S MY LEROY!"

A little old Lady had always wanted to join a local biker club, so one day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims, "I want to join your club." The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle? The little old lady replies, "Yep...my bike's parked over there", and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway. The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady replies, "Yep...drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table." The biker asks, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady replies, "Yep...smoke like a chimney. At least one pack of fags and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool. "The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope ... but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

A fire fighter is working outside the station when he noticed a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter takes a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says. The fire fighter notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but...then I wouldn't have a siren"

20 reasons why a Harley is better than a woman.

1) Harleys don't get pregnant.
2) You can ride a Harley any day of the month.
3) Harleys don't have mothers-in-law.
4) Harleys do not whine, unless something is seriously wrong.
5) Your Harley ALWAYS comes first; and furthermore it doesn't give a shit if you don't.
6) You will be quite happy to let your best mate ride your Harley, and what's more you can watch him do it.
7) Harleys do not give a shit about how many other better-looking Harleys you've ridden.
8) Harleys do not mind if you look at other Harleys.
9) Even in glossy magazines.
10) Your Harley does not beget little Harleys if you forget to fit a gasket.
11) You can ride a Harley the first time you meet it, without having to wine it, dine it, or meet its mother.
12) Harleys do not tell other Harleys what a lousy rider you are.
13)Your parents will not have a problem with your black Harley.
14) And even better, they won't keep in touch with it after you sell it.
15) You can ride your Harley all day, and you'll get sore before it does.
16) And if you don't ride it for a few weeks, it won't shag the milkman.
17)You will still love your Harley when it's old, ugly and needs a rebore.
18) If you take your Harley to the supermarket, it will not spend any extra money; and better still, it will carry your shopping home for you and stay within its credit card limit.
19) You can leave your Harley at home when you go out on the piss.
20) And best of all, you can trade it in for a younger model without paying for a solicitor!

Two cowboys from Arizona walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices when one recognises Kylie seated at a table behind them. Kylie, who had been eating a sandwich, suddenly begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her. "Kin ya swaller?" asks one of the cowboys. "No", she signals, desperately shaking her head. "Kin ya breathe?" asks the other. Beginning to turn a bit blue, ahw shakes her head "No" again. The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her pants, and slowly runs his tongue up and down between her bum-cheeks inducing a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breath again. The cowboy slowly walks back over to the bar and proudly takes a drink of his beer. His partner says in admiration, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I ain't never seen nobody do it before.
A man goes home wanting sex. He's feeling randy as hell so without turning on the light he goes into the bedroom, gets into bed and starts humping his wife like mad. Exhausted, he goes into the kitchen for some refreshment only to find his wife preparing supper. "Who's in our bed?" he asks. "Mother" wifey replies. He rushes into the bedroom to confront his Ma in Law. "Why didn't you say something?" he asks. "Why should I?" says Ma in Law "You don't talk to me, why should I talk to you?"
A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her private parts and notices that there is a response on the monitor when she touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is sceptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lines...no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."
Granny's Gas Problem A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office." The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week. The next week the lady goes back to his office. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!" The doctor says, "Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
Mrs Smith is feeling unwell and goes to the Doctors where they take a blood test. 2 weeks later she goes back with her hubby for the results. The good Doctor pulls hubby aside and says, " Look, I'm afraid this is all rather embarrasing, but we've got the results of two Mrs Smith's and we don't know which one is yours. Unfortunately neither of them is good news. One result shows that the lady has AIDS, the other shows advanced stages of Senile dementia" "What should I do then?" says Mr Smith. "Well if I were you I'd take her for a nice long run in the country, and leave her at the side of the road in the middle of nowhere. If she finds her way home, don't shag her"
Click here: Insanity Test
Proverb: Never date a Tennis player because to them love means nothing.. ;-)
Read the writing	Baza at it again, found the dog anyway!
Tough Hooker . . . One day, after taking delivery on his first brand new Hog, a Biker came into town to celebrate and walked into a saloon in the town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in this town ," he said to the bartender. "We got her," replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right." The biker handed the bartender a hundred dollar bill to pay for the hooker and a six pack of bottled beer. He grabbed the six pack, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in town." The woman inside the room looked at the biker and growled, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want that position first?" asked the biker. "I don't," replied the hooker. "But I thought you might want to open those beers first."
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the Stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed,slap her on the ass and say, "WHO'S HORNY".....?!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep.
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